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Well we don't have much content just now but here's an essay I wrote about my field expedition on Duke of Edinburgh:
Foreword by Our Supreme Overlord Darling
People often ask me "Why? Why put yourself through this?";
And the answer is simple. In todays modern and urbanised culture, it is often all too easy to forget how simple life can
be. We are fortunate, therefore, to live in such a beautiful rural environment such as Scotland. But is often easy to forget
how harsh and challenging the great outdoors can be. What follows is the epic tale of four young men, bound by fate to stroll
boldly through the hills and dales of Southern Scotland, gallantly discovering en route the many noble and honorable uses
to which the land is put. Along their way they face arduous challenges; stripped of all which they hold dear, thrown out to
face the elements. Victory, defeat, success, failure, setbacks and conquest.
Prologue
Many an hour was spent pondering over dusty maps and charts as we plotted our long expected expedition. On our previous
expedition we had suffered the misfortune of accidentally plotting our way along a non-existent path, and therefore took great
care in not doing so again. After many long weeks, the planning was done, and we were ready to be on our merry way. The night
before the expedition was spent at the inhabitance of one Isaac Turner, Urchin of our highly elite club (so-called because
nobody wanted to join), Team Get Naked. We arrived at his residence in a timely and efficient manor, and were immediately
escorted to our chamber, and acting headquarters from where we were to stage phase one of our operation: Phase I. We had procured
from our local supplier an assortment of provisions, ranging from chocolate to pancakes. We bedded down early that night,
ready to awake to an early start late next morning.
Day One: Dawn of the First Day
We awoke at seven thirty, risen from our slumber by Isaacs parents. After several attempts and rising, sabotaged by Isaac,
we were able to become dressed and pack our rucksacks, previously left unpacked due the the absence of sleeping bags which
we were sleeping in. We stowed away our possessions in an orderly and efficient fashion, and proceeded to devour our breakfast
in a speedy manor before setting forth. We were unable to secure a ride to our designated place of meeting, and as such were
forced to trek our way to the school, where we were met by Dawn, who told us we were half an hour late. She then went on to
reveal that she had been attempting to track us down for half of a whole hour. After settling our disputes and blaming Isaac,
we mounted our rides and departed from Edinburgh, making a brisk detour to Isaacs house to recover his insurance form which
we would be able to use in such event that he accidentally meet with an unfortunate and untimely death whilst on the expedition.
On our way to the first way point, traveling in separate cars, we were briefed on weather and on something else; I fell asleep
and can't remember what it was.
When we arrived, we said our farewells to Steve and Dawn, who had become beloved and valued companions in the short time
which we had spent with them, before making our way North past the abbey and across a bridge (which we were at first unable
to locate. We followed a river for several minutes before turning in another direction and following a road for at least seven
meters, at which point we met with our first challenge: we wanted candy sticks.
We sat ourselves down on a green patch of grass and munched our way through a box each (or there abouts). We then set
forth up a steep hill, before finding a dead bird, which we asserted had been shot and killed by a local farmer, possibly
in a fit of rage because it had just eaten his wives favorite crop seeds, or perhaps not. Possibly, we began to speculate,
some far deeper, far more sinister, was afoot. No longer feeling welcome, we hurried onwards, making our way along many a
road, across many hills and dales, over countless pasture, until our first break, where we sat on the funeral bier of several
sheep and ate pepperoni. We proceeded for several more feet, before finding our way blocked by several small pieces of wood,
which we were able to negotiate our way around without undue hassle. We then proceeded onwards, through a quantity of mud,
to our first arranged meeting place with Steve and Dawn. We stayed a while with them, preparing sandwiches and eating them.
It was here that we encountered our first major problem. After he had spent a time with Steve, it became apparent to the rest
of the group that Adam had developed a problem with electrical fences, and now insisted on stopping and electrocuting himself
at every available opportunity. For hours after the meeting Adam shocked himself, before finally finding a “cattle
grade” fence which put an end to his obsession and any hope he had of ever spawning a family. Despite this setback,
we pressed on, until we met for the first time with a trouble which would stalk us for the rest of the trip: COWS.
It was late by the time we reached the field. It was I who first spotted them. I remember my very words:
“Oh look, cattle.”
We began to negotiate our way across the field before noticing that the cattle were engaging in the form of activity often
sported on late night television. It was then duly noted that they were all male. I remember someone saying:
“Okay, walk away slowly,” followed soon after with “SHIT RUN!”
I turned about to see the bulls charging towards us, a look of ferocious hatred in their eyes. I made for the safety and
relative comfort of a nearby barbed wire fence. Dumping my bag, I threw myself over it, landing gracefully with my legs entangled
in the fence. I broke free and turned to see Gordon Blackadder scaling a wall at the other side of the field, Isaac close
behind me and the bulls turning and charging away. Never before had I looked death in the eye so closely. I treaded my wounds
with the help of Isaac before once again entering the Field of Death (and possibly terror) in order to cross and meet with
Gordon. The rest of the day was a haze. We made our way through thick thicket and woods in a shooting ground, before finally
meeting with Steve, an hour behind schedule. It emerged that Gordon had been in touch with Steve via Cellular Communication.
We made our way onwards for several miles before meeting with a pony, which we dubbed “Bill”. Bill was
to become our valued and trusted friend in the minutes to come as we patted him and fed him grass, before realising that Gordon
was already several hundred meters ahead.
“I'm sorry, Adam,” I said, “Bill can come no further. He knows how to make his own way back”.
“Goodbye, Bill.” Said Adam, his eyes welling up with tears.
It was about this time that Isaac began to complain that his bag was to heavy, After verifying that Isaac did indeed have
the lightest rucksack, we told him to “Shut the hell up” before continuing until our next meeting with
Steve, where we failed to give our coordinates due to shock from our surprise encounter with the Terror Bulls. The rest of
the day was fairly placid, moving on slowly without a hitch. We made our way past a golf course, stopping to appreciate abuse
hurled at us by golfers. We suffered a temporary set back when we lost Gordon and found a man with a dog. It was at this time
that we realised that Gordon was no more. No longer would we hear his gentle laughter, drifting peacefully through the night
air. Never again would we see his soft smile, filling our hearts with warmth. We all paused for a moment, reflecting on Gordon's
life, and the part which it had played in our own. We found him reading a sign post around the next corner. After entering
a housing estate, we were given directions to the campsite by some unruly youths on bikes, all aged around eight, and one
old lady, aged around seventy. Isaac cowered in fear, for they were no ordinary orc's; they were working class. We found our
way to the camp site, after bitterly realising that the directions we had been given were in fact correct. We began to set
up camp, before realising that our tent was not working. We struggled for hours before finally succeeding. We prepared food
and visited the toilet in order to heal my wounds, before bedding down for the night, a fine meal of noodles and sumptuous
deserts in our stomachs. I shared a tent with Isaac, and was disturbed to once again, as in the practice expedition, sleeping
on top of me. This time, however, there was no hill for him to have rolled down.
Day Two: The Reckoning
We departed early next morning, having eaten crepes. Adam and Gordon had cleared up after breakfast while I dismantled
my tent, and Isaac performed his ablutions in a nearby wash house. We left the campsite and later Lauder, heading on a course
along many more paths, after a few chance meetings with Steve and Dawn. We saw a number of bulls, bringing memories of That
Day flooding back into our heads. We met with a farmer, who advised us to travel along an abandoned railway line to reach
our destination, and an invitation to help us get there, which we declined, leaving before the offers of candy were placed
on the table. We stopped briefly for lunch at an abandoned farmstead, where Adam relapsed and began once again touching electric
fences. Threats were made to relieve himself on said wire, though they were never put to action. It was at this time that
Isaac, mid hissy-fit, cast fourth into the Valley of Nettles one of our three remaining bottles of water, where it is said
to remain to this day. From here, we climbed a height of one hundred and twelve meters, before once again encountering cattle.
We made our way along to a walled garden, before noticing several large bulls heading our way. Whilst myself and Isaac cowered
in the garden, it was noted that there was in fact a fence in their path, thus saving our lives from their vengeful anger.
We made our way across a field, where we found a flattened sheep, wool scattered for meters around. We can only speculate
on the pain in which its final moments were spent, as we can only guess as to what and how this animal was chosen to die.
As I left the field, I turned, and for one moment, my eyes met with those of a large white bull, and we exchanged glances.
To this day, I have never forgotten the look it cast me.
We ate and drank in the next field, where Isaac threatened to throw my bag into the next field. He was promptly told to
shut the hell up. We then met with Steve and Dawn, who tested us on our map reading skills, their confidence razed after a
previous incident. We then made our way through a farmstead, this time inhabited, after suffering severe verbal abuse from
several young puppies, before once again giving our position on the map to Steve and Dawn. We then travelled to the car, where
we debriefed and travelled home, once again in separate cars.
Epilogue
I remember the groups faces as we, all five, set out into the Pentlands on our first expedition. Now, looking at our tired,
weathered faces, I can only look back in wonderment at what has been one of the key events of our lives, one which will be
remembered for years to come, generation to generation. And when I look back, I smile. And though Gordon Blackadder is no
longer with us, I feel that we as a group have worked well together, though our many difficulties, overcoming loss, trechery,
triumph and, ultimately, conquest. I for one believe in the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded
us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms further... And one fine morning -
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Team Get Naked Was:
Gordon Blackadder
Adam Chatterley
Our Supreme Overlord Darling
Isaac Turner
And We Shalt Not Forget
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